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it fills your cup.

"The thing about light is that it really isn't yours; it's what you gather and shine back. And it gets more power from reflectiveness; if you sit still and take it in, it fills your cup, and then you can give it off yourself." pg. 228 Traveling Mercies:Anne Lamott

I have a slight anxiety about finishing things. I have been holding out on about 5 books, not wanting to finish them. I had about 6 pages in Henri Nouwen's book Here and Now and 10 pages in Anne Lamott's Traveling Mercies. I decided yesterday was the day to finish at least those two. Now I'm on a sprint to finish the 3 others I've started:: Three Cups of Tea, Follow Me to Freedom and Dare to Love Completely.


Just as I have anxiety about finishing books, I have found that I also have anxiety about finishing parts of life. I'll forewarn you that what I'm about to say will sound ridiculous. I have roughly 10 more months in Mongolia and I'm already dreading leaving.

I remember at the start of my senior year of college, I was already sad about leaving college. I think it is my way of preparing so that when it actually comes it won't be so difficult.


When I think about my time here I realize how much like home Mongolia has become. I have moved my life here. It has been difficult but it has become such a joy. I have learned to trust wholly in the Lord and His timing and faithfulness.

I'm anxious to leave and move to a new place and start the learning and loving process all over. I'm anxious because I know my heart will be once again ripped in another direction. But as I'm anxious I also know that I would have it no other way.

I'm comforted by this verse from The Psalms:

"Let the light of your face shine upon us, O Lord. you have filled my heart with greater joy than when their  grain and new wine abound. I will lie and sleep in peace, for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:7-8

So, with the peace that God gives, I realize that my heart is overflowing and filled with a greater joy. There is no need to be anxious. There is nothing more fulfilling for me than going somewhere and knowing that above all else I have loved with my whole heart.

So, for the next 10 months, I will not be anxious, but remember that my cup is filled and that loving with my whole heart is true joy. I pray that the joy that fills my heart would become a light and that the presence of the Lord that lives in my life would shine.

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October 26, 2011.

That is the day I last wrote a blog. That's not the day when my life changed but it is a day that I can recognize as one of the last ones when I knew who I was and what my purpose was.

I'm not generally a quitter. Sure, sometimes I quit on books or I quit on small projects but in life, nope. I  try hard at most things, usually right until the end. I won't say that quitting is not a thought that meanders through my being when something gets tough but I have come to learn that when I stick things out I come out having learned a thing or two.

But I did quit. I quit a big commitment. I said I would live in Washington, DC and I would do my best.

I tried. I also had my very first panic attack, too.

It was too much. I couldn't think or breathe. I couldn't cope with the devastation I felt for leaving Mongolia early that March morning. I couldn't cope with no one understanding what Mongolia had meant to me and how it had changed me right down to my bo…

The Prayer of the Empty Water Jar

Jesus, I come into the warmth of your presence
knowing that you are
the very emptiness of God.

I come before you
holding the water jar of my life.

Your eyes meet mine
and I know what I'd rather not know.

I came to be filled
but I am already full.

I am too full
This is my sickness

I am full of things
that crowd out
your healing presence.

A holy knowing steals inside my heart
and I see a painful truth.

I don't need more
I need less
I am too full.

I am full of things that block out
your golden grace.

I am smothered by gods of my own creation
I am lost in the forest of my false self
I am full of my own opinions and narrow attitudes
full of fear, resentments, control
full of self-pity, and arrogance.

Slowly this terrible truth
pierces my heart
I am so full there is no room for you.

Contemplatively, and with compassion
you ask me to reach into my water jar.

One by one, Jesus, you enable me
to lift out the things
that are a hindrance to my wholeness.

I take each one to my heart and