A few days ago someone sent this video for me to watch. After I watched it I couldn't stop thinking about it.
How should I ever claim to know what is good or what is bad?
I remember at the beginning of my time here, I was really frustrated with teaching English all the time. I
couldn't understand how learning English would really better their lives. Erin, so graciously, reminded me
that i do not know what is good for them. She reminded me that only God knows. I needed to hear that
(even though I strongly resisted it at the time).
At four months I think I can safely say that is what I have learned the most about, realizing who
everything is about. I have realized God is the only one who knows what is good. I am coming to
believe with all of me that "[His] grace is sufficient for [me], for [His] power is made perfect in
weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
Mongolia, if I could define it in relation to my life, would mean not Holli. Being here has been a
continuous process of ridding myself of myself. I am being emptied and I know it is because I
am to be filled.
I like what Aaron Weiss has to say in that video because it stops me from looking at myself. It
reminds me that I am not the one who knows what is good or what is bad, it removes me from
any importance. So often we think we know about what is good or bad. We divide the world into
things that are easily understood and distinguishable. The world teaches and encourages us to
believe it is black and white--that there are absolutes. Most of all, it encourages us to think we
have control over those absolutes. And that is dangerous because when we start to believe that
we have control over something, we think we can fix it when it goes wrong. Then we begin
believing we are the most important part of every situation.
I nor any of my abilities are the most important part of any situation.
After learning that, again and again, I think my thick skull might be letting those thoughts actually
sink in and become reality. What those thoughts look like sunk in, are me being freed to let go of
my notions of the world. I am able to be found in my unfaithfulness, forgiven and then let the Lord
who loves steadfast say:
"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and
compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord." Hosea 2:19-20
Because I am betrothed, to the creator, I am freed to be reconciled to Him, our pure and faithful
groom. I become like Gomer--undeserving but shown mercy.
At the end of my time in Mongolia, when I go back home, and people ask me about my time here--
I hope that I will be able to tell them that it wasn't about anything I did. Instead I want to proclaim that
I still have no proper knowledge of what is good or bad. I want to proclaim only that I know who is
good. I want to share that nothing about Mongolia has to do with Holli. I want to bring glory to God
by pointing everything back to Him. I want to be on my knees singing...
"...at the cross you beckon me, draw me gently to me knees, and I am lost for words, so lost in love.
I'm sweetly broken, wholly surrendered..." Sweetly Broken:Jeremy Riddle
My being here has brought me to a place I have never been. Broken. It is a different kind of broken. It is
truecomplete and delightful. I want to declare that I am broken but filled.
It has also brought me out of a world of absolutes. It has shown me that the world that God sees--the
creator of it all--is in technicolor. If I am a Jesus follower, then I, too, am to see the world in technicolor.
Technicolor not only makes the world brighter--it makes none of it about me. It shades everything in such
a way that takes the spotlight off of us,and makes it about everyone else. It makes it about His children,
my brothers and sisters--and points us back to Him.
In that technicolor world, we are able to be restored. We are able to see ourselves the way God sees us.
We are able to see needs and to seek His justice. We are able to listen as God responds to us--giving
ourselves to Him.
"In that day I will respond, declares the Lord--I will respond to the skies, and they will respond to the earth...
I will plant her for myself in the land; I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one.' I will say to
those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people,' and they will say, 'You are my God.'" Hosea 2:21,23
And we are finally free enough from ourselves so that we can believe and proclaim "You are my God."