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It is my party, and I will say when it is over...

A couple of nights ago, I went to look out the window at 10 pm at the fresh snow. When I looked out, I saw a man sweeping up the snow off the sidewalk and out of the street.

It was 10 o'clock. That meant the sun was long gone (and had been for nearly 5 hours). Which means, it was cold. Really cold.

Here I am, thinking how annoying it is to move the outlet strip from the stove in the kitchen, to the heater in the bedroom, and this man is sweeping snow. He is sweeping the snow so that I don't slip on it when it freezes, which I did, (rather ungracefully too) and so cars don't slide when they drive across it.

A funk is quite an understatement for what I've been in as of late.

My computer crashed, I got food poisoning for the second time, and I burnt myself on the hot water pipe in the bathroom.

Seriously, what is wrong with me? I've decided it is time for my little (BIG) pity party to end.

On Christmas day, we went to visit some Hospice patients. The first family I visited had a 12 year old boy with Cerebral Palsy. He, his twin, and his father were all laying in a twin bed under a few blankets, and there was no heat.

As we sang Christmas carols, the father began to cry, my tears were not long after. I did my best to regain my composure as we walked back to the car. I was a mess.

Reality check, Holli.

Somehow, after that, I'm still capable of being so utterly selfish it is disgusting. The self-pity train sure has been making it's way around my heart and head, a lot.

Thanks be to the Lord for being so patient and persistent with me, though...

"...Moses said, 'Please show me your glory.' and he said, 'I will make all my goodness pass before you and will proclaim before you my name 'The Lord.' And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and will show mercy on whom I will show mercy. But,' he said, 'you cannot see my face, for man shall not see me and live.' And the Lord said, 'Behold, there is a place by me where you shall stand on the rock, and while my glory passes by I will put you in a cleft of the rock, and I will cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will take away my hand, and you shall see my back, buy my face shall not be seen.'"
Exodus 33:18-23

The light of the Lord is always here, around me. If I am lucky, I will get to see His back. I am not sure how often I am paying attention enough to see even that.

I hope my honesty finds some grace as I am learning to live completely in the presence of the Lord.

I am thankful that God is showing me His glory and that somehow He still loves me despite ALL of my undeserved-ness.


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An ode to my wiser self

I've been thinking about blogging a lot lately. Well, writing, rather. I used to write a lot. It was therapeutic and life giving for me. It helped me to be in a constant state of process where I was not just taking in life but searching for and digging for meaning. It kept me grounded and real, for lack of better word.

I have been starting to write more lately and have several little bits I'm working on. In the process of digging out my blog from the depths of the internet, I found this jewel that I wrote years ago. Yes, that's right... years ago. I thought it was beautiful and worth sharing. So, in an attempt to revive this way of sharing my thoughts and processing...

Here is an ode to my younger (and probably wiser) self:

Welcome to The Chronicles of a Confused Citizen.

Here I am, residing in the country I was born in, living the life I knew from my birth to year 22.

It doesn't quite feel right, though.

Recently, as I found myself living in Mongolia, I started feelin…

The Prayer of the Empty Water Jar

Jesus, I come into the warmth of your presence
knowing that you are
the very emptiness of God.

I come before you
holding the water jar of my life.

Your eyes meet mine
and I know what I'd rather not know.

I came to be filled
but I am already full.

I am too full
This is my sickness

I am full of things
that crowd out
your healing presence.

A holy knowing steals inside my heart
and I see a painful truth.

I don't need more
I need less
I am too full.

I am full of things that block out
your golden grace.

I am smothered by gods of my own creation
I am lost in the forest of my false self
I am full of my own opinions and narrow attitudes
full of fear, resentments, control
full of self-pity, and arrogance.

Slowly this terrible truth
pierces my heart
I am so full there is no room for you.

Contemplatively, and with compassion
you ask me to reach into my water jar.

One by one, Jesus, you enable me
to lift out the things
that are a hindrance to my wholeness.

I take each one to my heart and