from a book i'm reading...
"well, learning to pray and communicate from the present seat of your emotions is part of learning to be awake and aware of life around you and within you. You are a very intelligent [person], (insert name), but sometimes we can get addicted to our minds just like an alcoholic becomes addicted to the bottle to cope. Sometimes we can overanalyze God's presence in our lives, always looking for sings to interpret. Sometimes the most faithful prayers are the questions we bring to God."
-pg. 67, Reluctant Pilgrim by: Enuma Okoro
questions are more than ok. not feeling present where you are is more than ok. mourning and grieving are more than ok. what's not ok is staying there. there is no time in our life in which we are supposed to stay exactly the same. we move back and forward. we ebb and flow [i'm never gonna quit bringing that up]. we are supposed to because that's how we change.
and if you're like me, i don't want to stay the same person that i am today. i need to change. i need to grow.
the real danger for me, today, is not the changing or the questioning, no. rather it's the having grace with myself in the meantime part. the number one beater-upper-of-holli, is me.
the present seat of my emotions is the only stable thing that i have [though it seems the most shaky]. it's my frame of reference. my starting point.
so, here i am, learning, relearning and unlearning, again. learning to be present, relearning transition, and unlearning to have expectations.
ebb. ebb. ebb.
sometimes our ebb is deep and takes a while to get back to flow.