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a chronic revelation.

like all good stories, this one begins with a case of never ending strep throat. a self-diagnosed case but a case nonetheless.

there once was a girl who moved to a country far, far away.

in the beginning it was difficult to figure out all the ins and outs of this new place but after a while she figured it out and even got comfortable. she has been there for a while now but the time is running out.

one day, while she was dealing with the pains of this chronic-like strep throat, she decided that she needed a reprieve from this intense pain. so, she went off to find buy some yogurt and juice, thinking a smoothie might be just the right fix.

she was generally a talkative girl but due to the throat ache-age, she was unusually quiet. because of this she had been thinking a great deal about what would soon be happening in her life in the near future.

a few days earlier she had received news that she would be returning to her home that is far, far away from the home she's found in what was originally far, far away. thus making the original home and the now home-like place both far, far away--especially from each other.

this in and of itself brought to light quite a quandary. the thoughts of leaving this place that has now become so familiar to return to a place that once was so familiar, but now seems much like a dream, brought her a feeling of unsettledness. a feeling that everything that seemed stable was about to be flipped upside down, again.

all of these thoughts and feelings about the goings on in our life seemed to surface on the walk from her house to the grocery store, that held the smoothie making capabilities--a rather unusual time for these feelings to suddenly make themselves known.

as she walked through the aisles looking at everything, thinking something could make this recent arrival of this overwhelmingly unsettled feeling go away.

thinking that the floor of the grocery store would bring some clarity, she nearly sat down to find out. restraining herself she gathered her items and left, regretting neglecting what could have been an informative [though, embarrassing] freakout in the middle of the aisle.

not ready to face an end to these newly developed thoughts she decided to seek refuge on the playground of the local kindergarten. the deserted status of the kindergarten gave her time and a space to calm her heart and head.

she was aware that though the feelings of stability and settledness were good, they were also too restrictive for her nature. so, it was there that she realized for the next maybe...well, maybe forever, she would be stuck somewhere in the middle of it all.

and she thought that perhaps the middle wouldn't be so bad because that is, after all, where balance is found.

feeling like she had come to a place of accepting the pursuit of balance in the middle ground, she decided to go inside to make that smoothie that started this whole revelation. moving past the nearly embarrassing freak out and on to unscramble the thoughts in her head.

she was somehow encouraged that, although there is no end in sight to these emotions, she knew that an end or an answer wasn't what needed to be achieved. sometimes we just need to find a grasp on the fact that life ebbs and flows and we are just learning to ebb and flow with it.

the story doesn't end here. in fact, it's only just begun, but hopefully the next part won't begin with the chronic-like strep throat.


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An ode to my wiser self

I've been thinking about blogging a lot lately. Well, writing, rather. I used to write a lot. It was therapeutic and life giving for me. It helped me to be in a constant state of process where I was not just taking in life but searching for and digging for meaning. It kept me grounded and real, for lack of better word.

I have been starting to write more lately and have several little bits I'm working on. In the process of digging out my blog from the depths of the internet, I found this jewel that I wrote years ago. Yes, that's right... years ago. I thought it was beautiful and worth sharing. So, in an attempt to revive this way of sharing my thoughts and processing...

Here is an ode to my younger (and probably wiser) self:

Welcome to The Chronicles of a Confused Citizen.

Here I am, residing in the country I was born in, living the life I knew from my birth to year 22.

It doesn't quite feel right, though.

Recently, as I found myself living in Mongolia, I started feelin…

The Prayer of the Empty Water Jar

Jesus, I come into the warmth of your presence
knowing that you are
the very emptiness of God.

I come before you
holding the water jar of my life.

Your eyes meet mine
and I know what I'd rather not know.

I came to be filled
but I am already full.

I am too full
This is my sickness

I am full of things
that crowd out
your healing presence.

A holy knowing steals inside my heart
and I see a painful truth.

I don't need more
I need less
I am too full.

I am full of things that block out
your golden grace.

I am smothered by gods of my own creation
I am lost in the forest of my false self
I am full of my own opinions and narrow attitudes
full of fear, resentments, control
full of self-pity, and arrogance.

Slowly this terrible truth
pierces my heart
I am so full there is no room for you.

Contemplatively, and with compassion
you ask me to reach into my water jar.

One by one, Jesus, you enable me
to lift out the things
that are a hindrance to my wholeness.

I take each one to my heart and