Skip to main content

flipped-turned upside down.

Let me begin with the confession that I honestly don't know where to begin and that is ok. I have been learning that there is value in whatever feeling that you are feeling and that you should embrace it, experience and move on from it, not to dwell in that feeling. Feelings are natural, they ebb and flow.

I have been in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia for a little over a week now. Today was the very first day I began to feel comfortable here. I even felt a little at home.

Transitioning to life in Mongolia has been more difficult than I expected. I am not even quite sure I can accurately express it in words. But, to give you a tiny grasp of how I'm feeling, let me quote a little something from the respected and awfully wise...Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, "Now, this is a story all about how my life got flipped-turned upside down..."

Erin and I have had many conversations and prayers expressing our feelings that are lives have become a jumbled mess, flipped and turned upside down (and about 8 other ways, too) if you will.

Through my anxious and strange feelings, I am being graciously reminded that my creator is faithful. He is patient. He is good. He is loving. He is forgiving. He helps those in need, including me.

I have been thinking a lot about the story in Mark 9 about the father of the boy who is possessed by an evil spirit. The boy's father says,
"'...if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.' 'If you can'? said Jesus. 'Everything is possible for him who believes.' Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
(Mark 9.22-24)

I have felt much like that. I do believe that God is faithful but some days I doubt so much. I know He has prepared this place for me but I have felt so lost and confused about His plan. I pray, Lord, help me overcome my unbelief.

I can barely fathom myself, much less recount to you all the ways God has proven Himself faithful to us in the past week. With each doubt He sends a blessing. With my impatience, He pours out patience. Yet, I still forget who He has proven Himself to be. I pray again, Lord, help me overcome my unbelief.

With lingering thoughts of feeling like I am a crazy person for literally moving half-way around the world, I come to the realization that it's true, I am a crazy person, and I am growing to be more and more thankful for that.

I believe the words of Simone Weil, "The pursuit of God is never separate from the love of persons." And those words are exactly why I am in Mongolia. Freezing, unknown, barrier-filled, strange and person-filled, Mongolia. I give thanks to the Lord for beginning to help me overcome my unbelief.

Even though I don't always understand why I am here, I am coming to a place where I realize that the reason I am here is for obedience. I pray that each day I become more and more joyfully obedient. I pray that I am reminded often that my pursuit of God is not separate from these people. I pray that I am reminded often that my pursuit of God is completely and utterly bound up in these people.

I am faithful that God will continue revealing and reminding me of those things. I will keep praying my unbelief away.

Please continue with me on this journey. My freedom for joyful obedience and my pursuit of God are bound up in you too.

Life ebbs with our belief and flows with our unbelief. Praise to our King for ebbing and flowing with us.

Comments

  1. "in my impatience, he pours out patience"

    beautiful!

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I believe, help my unbelief" If I had a nickel for every time I have said that prayer I could buy Mongolia (that may be slightly exaggerated, Mongolia is probably worth a lot of money). Thanks for the update...Just curious, What is the time difference between Mongolia and Alabama?

    ReplyDelete
  3. I echo trent's question. What is the difference in Mongolia and Alabama (I mean time, I'm sure there are lotso of other differences). LOVE YOU!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. there are 13 hours of time in between you and i. i like to say we throw the sun back and forth, like it is a ball or something. when my day ends yours begins.

    i am thinking, though, whenever the time changes there might be 14 hours in between us.

    o, do you have skype?

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

naked gers.

though they are dainty, they are still yellow and a welcomed sight after such a long winter.
summer school is essentially code for: let's play outside.
blue skies are in abundance and make me feel anything but blue.
naked gers are almost as much fun as clothed ones.

bring it on, world.

October 26, 2011.

That is the day I last wrote a blog. That's not the day when my life changed but it is a day that I can recognize as one of the last ones when I knew who I was and what my purpose was.

I'm not generally a quitter. Sure, sometimes I quit on books or I quit on small projects but in life, nope. I  try hard at most things, usually right until the end. I won't say that quitting is not a thought that meanders through my being when something gets tough but I have come to learn that when I stick things out I come out having learned a thing or two.

But I did quit. I quit a big commitment. I said I would live in Washington, DC and I would do my best.

I tried. I also had my very first panic attack, too.

It was too much. I couldn't think or breathe. I couldn't cope with the devastation I felt for leaving Mongolia early that March morning. I couldn't cope with no one understanding what Mongolia had meant to me and how it had changed me right down to my bo…

The Prayer of the Empty Water Jar

Jesus, I come into the warmth of your presence
knowing that you are
the very emptiness of God.

I come before you
holding the water jar of my life.

Your eyes meet mine
and I know what I'd rather not know.

I came to be filled
but I am already full.

I am too full
This is my sickness

I am full of things
that crowd out
your healing presence.

A holy knowing steals inside my heart
and I see a painful truth.

I don't need more
I need less
I am too full.

I am full of things that block out
your golden grace.

I am smothered by gods of my own creation
I am lost in the forest of my false self
I am full of my own opinions and narrow attitudes
full of fear, resentments, control
full of self-pity, and arrogance.

Slowly this terrible truth
pierces my heart
I am so full there is no room for you.

Contemplatively, and with compassion
you ask me to reach into my water jar.

One by one, Jesus, you enable me
to lift out the things
that are a hindrance to my wholeness.

I take each one to my heart and