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life ebbs and flows.
life moves forward and back.
life is joyful and difficult.
life is a balancing act.

for a little while now I have known that I will be heading to Mongolia next.

between playing with kids in Auburn and researching mysterious Mongolia, I have settled into a transitioning state.

this transition, I have come to realize, is the most monumental and challenging transition I may ever face.

part of this process requires a great deal of reflection. reflecting on my time in Auburn stirs many emotions. many things have been very difficult here. but many things have been absolutely radiant. I learned a lot about neighbors and what it looks like to love them [thank you for that.] I also learned more about living in community than I ever thought possible. my NINE beautiful roommates have blessed me with immeasurable amounts of joy, wisdom and shown me truth [thank you toomer house for holding us all so gently].

this transition has brought about so much joy through my reflections but it has also shown me reality. the reality is that this time, this place, these people will never be the same. things will never be the same again. with that reality comes a sadness, a mourning and grieving period. but that is just what life is about for me. the balance of it all. through that sadness I can see the beauty more vividly.

without this time, without this place, without you people it would not be possible for me to have grown into the confidence that the Lord will in fact take care of me, even in Mongolia. because of the love He has given me through you, I am not afraid.

through this quiet, inner reflection and mourning period I have come to see that I am a loved, free, 22 year old young lady who has tasted and seen that the Lord is good. and now, I am ready to go taste and see more.


as for now, I will continue to honor the past, where I have come from and to be ever-thankful for it.
I will continue the research of one of the most mysterious places on the earth.

now, I ask you to pray for me as I have already begun to prepare my heart for this upcoming move. I am more than excited and anxious about expanding my love for the world. but, I ask you to pray with me for the people there. please pray that God would be readying their hearts as well. pray that God would keep preparing the path for us to connect to one another.

pray for yourself, too. pray that you would pray these things for the people around you, wherever you are.


this life ebbs and flows in the most unique ways--all so that we can see that this balancing act is quite beautiful and radiant.

Comments

  1. Holli. You have a blog. And it is beautiful. I can't wait to read more.
    :D

    ReplyDelete
  2. i like it. although it did make me sad. miss you bud. i'll be praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Holli, I read your letter and your blog and was so touched by your heart for God and His people. I'm so excited for you and proud of the way you are following God. I'm so thankful I got to see you in Mississippi. Treasured memories. I will pray for you and keep updated with your blog. God is a great BIG God & He is faithful. Bless you my dear niece.
    Aunt Karen

    ReplyDelete
  4. you write beautifuly. don't stop. don't forget it in mongolia. don't forget us!

    ReplyDelete

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An ode to my wiser self

I've been thinking about blogging a lot lately. Well, writing, rather. I used to write a lot. It was therapeutic and life giving for me. It helped me to be in a constant state of process where I was not just taking in life but searching for and digging for meaning. It kept me grounded and real, for lack of better word.

I have been starting to write more lately and have several little bits I'm working on. In the process of digging out my blog from the depths of the internet, I found this jewel that I wrote years ago. Yes, that's right... years ago. I thought it was beautiful and worth sharing. So, in an attempt to revive this way of sharing my thoughts and processing...

Here is an ode to my younger (and probably wiser) self:


Welcome to The Chronicles of a Confused Citizen.

Here I am, residing in the country I was born in, living the life I knew from my birth to year 22.

It doesn't quite feel right, though.

Recently, as I found myself living in Mongolia, I started feelin…

bring it on, world.

October 26, 2011.

That is the day I last wrote a blog. That's not the day when my life changed but it is a day that I can recognize as one of the last ones when I knew who I was and what my purpose was.

I'm not generally a quitter. Sure, sometimes I quit on books or I quit on small projects but in life, nope. I  try hard at most things, usually right until the end. I won't say that quitting is not a thought that meanders through my being when something gets tough but I have come to learn that when I stick things out I come out having learned a thing or two.

But I did quit. I quit a big commitment. I said I would live in Washington, DC and I would do my best.

I tried. I also had my very first panic attack, too.

It was too much. I couldn't think or breathe. I couldn't cope with the devastation I felt for leaving Mongolia early that March morning. I couldn't cope with no one understanding what Mongolia had meant to me and how it had changed me right down to my bo…